I am wonderfully made! [Flab to Fit]

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

For anyone out there who is religious, you know this verse has been said many times by many people. This verse hits me close to home because I seem to forget this. I forget that I am wonderfully made, that I am a good person. I have always had low self esteem and my weight has been the number one reason affecting it. Growing up I was always told I would be so pretty if I just lost 10lbs. So this has always stuck in my head that I truly am not beautiful or wonderful until I lose the weight.

Well if only it was that easy because for me, weight loss has always been and uphill battle. I have been skinny, I have been overweight. Then when you add a pregnancy on top of my already difficult body you get where I am at now, not at all happy with my weight. I cant complain too much because honestly I do have a good figure, I am 5'9 with an hourglass frame so I do hold my weight well but that doesn't mean you don't notice all my extra weight.

I have been up and down and in-between for most of my life and I never seem to be able to stay at a weight for long. I am really hoping this will change because it's not just me anymore to think of. I have to think of my son and my husband and how my weight will affect them. They are the reason I want to lose the weight, but I am the reason I need to lose the weight. I want to feel better about myself. I hate feeling like the before picture in a weight loss program, I want to become the after and feel proud of myself. I want to show my son that we can accomplish goals, no matter how big or difficult they are.

The amount of weight I want to lose is quite a lot, but I need to be honest. I want to lose about 90lbs, this is not going to be an overnight loss I am aware of that. It could take a year, it could take two but the thing is I will do it. How I will do it is the hard part. I have little motivation to go workout, but as soon as I start I am happy to keep moving until my time is up. I eat very healthy, clean foods even as much organic as possible. Unfortunately I am blessed with a sweet tooth the size of Texas! So while I love eating healthy, most days I eat too much or I add a little dessert in there. This is what I mean by difficultly losing the weight and keeping it off.

I need to keep myself motivated and I know I will be able to do it. For anyone who actually reads this, if you are on a similar journey or are now at the maintenance part after your weight loss I would love to hear about it. I think we all should build each other up and help others along the way. This is just another stepping stone along my way to healing. Healing my body and removing the weight. For I am wonderfully made, I just seem to forget that sometimes, It seems I just need to remind my body!

Healing

"You cannot fully love others until you love yourself"

I have now finally taken this quote to heart and decided to begin my journey to healing. I am sure I will never be fully healed of all the heart ache that I have been through in my life but I think today is a good day to start healing. Honestly I can say I have been hurt by everyone in my life, except my son. Everyone in my life has done something to betray my trust, and hurt me either emotionally or physically. I wish this wasn't true but it is, and some more than others. The day I was born is when it all began. You could say my life has been a soap opera from birth.

It started with the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally, my mother. From day one I have not had a normal "Betty Crocker" Mom. She has done things to be that people wouldn't do or say to their worst enemy. I have had to learn over time how to deal with her and even more importantly, accept who she is as a "mom".

I was raised by a single parent, my dad. Right there many people are surprised when I say this because normally it is the opposite when a single parent raises a child. So this shows you how from the age of 1 1/2 years old my life was already different than most. My mom looked me in the eyes as a 1.5 year old baby and left. I wish I could tell you the age I was when she saw me again but honestly I am not quite sure. She gave full custody to my dad and bounced around from state to state. She had planned to visit me but often it resulted in a phone call with an excuse as to why she wouldn't be there. All I ever wanted was my mom. As a little girl I dreamed of what it would be like to have my mom take me shopping or give me advice. I watched other girls with their moms and felt so envious of what they had. So when I became 14 and my mom reached out to me, I couldn't help but jump at the chance to live with her. This was the beginning of me finding out who she really was. All the lies and hurt made my wounds reopen and become deep. I found out things about her I truthfully could not believe and while I tried so hard for a relationship with her, my relationship with my father faded.  She managed to pull me away from him and fill me with lies.

Finally I met my husband who started to point out to me that things were not right, and started to push me to talk to my dad. Without knowing it, my husband saved me. I started to heal my relationship with my dad, which started with a simple but meaningful "I'm sorry". This all has taken a long time to come to terms with, to accept that it’s not me who was the problem but rather that it was her.

 The journey to healing has to start somewhere, so I figured I would start at the beginning and put it out there. There is much more to my story but here is one chapter.

The Balancing Act of life

Sometimes life feels so overwhelming.

You don't know which way is up and which way is down. I feel like no matter what I do it is always wrong, even if I try to do right. I have a million things on my plate but I guess that's life when you are a mom and wife.

I have horrible mommy guilt to boot, and I often feel wife guilt too. The laundry is done, that's my fault. The room needs to be cleaned, my fault too. You're lunch wasn't packed, oh where are my manners! It's all on me. Sometimes I just feel so unsure of who I am or what my purpose is. I lose myself when I help others constantly. I don't put myself first or even think of what I want because that would be selfish! In reality we all need to have a "time out" for ourselves in life. We need time to do something that we enjoy instead of always focusing on others.

 My sons first year has all been about him, I came completely second or even third because my husband was second. This year I am trying to learn to balance it all. I have figured out that not allowing myself to have some sort of break isn't good for myself or my son. 

Life is such a balancing act and most of the time I feel like I'm falling flat on my face! I just need to get back up, dust myself off and keep on going.

 

Jaxon Tyler

Age: One Year Young

Stats:  31.5 Inches, 23 lbs 15oz

Nicknames:  Jax, Jack-Jack, Jaxeboy, BooBoo.

Favorite Foods: Anything! Frozen Yogurt (cries for it as soon as he sees it in the tub!) Strawberries, Pears, Noodles.

Favorite Words: Mama, Dada (Ahh-Dada), MMMMMhM, Hi, Mom

Favorite Toy: Racoony and Ghifafie (security blankets) Books, Strings, Cords, Anything he shouldn't have.

Favorite Activities: Bath Time, Tumbling around, Playing peek-a-boo, being rocked.

Least Favorite Activities: Getting out of the bath tub, Hearing No, Waiting for a bottle.

Signature Moves:  Pretending to cough, Fake crying, Clapping, smiling like a cheese ball!!

Favorite Memory: There are too many, but honestly the second you were born. I instantly felt more love than I can explain. It was like everything in my life that happened before you didn't matter. My sole purpose was to be your mom. Instantly my heart became whole.

My baby boy is now a toddler!

Jaxon's Wonderland

"Sometimes even the smallest things take up the most room in your heart" - Winnie the Pooh

My son has already had two nurseries in his little one year old lifespan! This first one I was liking the bright green and blue with black accents. I made 99% of the things in his nursery because it was more cost wise but also because I loved knowing my baby had things I made for him. We were renting so I couldn't do too much with the nursery but he enjoyed it for the short time we were there.

 The second nursery I have been obsessed with orange and blue! So that is what he got, we did different shades of blue with pops of orange. Once again I made 99% of things in his bedroom. Including that fabulous quilt that I feel so proud of!

I didn't do the normal "themes" for him which was mostly because I didn't see any I love. Also I didn't want it to feel like a newborn nursery. I wanted something that could grow with him. We still have not bought a house so I cannot wait to paint the walls and go full blast with decorating! I just wanted to show what I have done with his nursery even though we have only been renting. You really can still make the room feel like it belongs to your baby. Hope you like Mr. Jax's wonderland, I know he does!

 

It's Tea Time

"Not all those who wonder are not lost"

Not to say those some who wonder aren't looking for something or someone. Some people are lost and wondering this world not quite sure what they are look for. I have been there. I have wondered because I once was lost and I was trying to find my way and it took me a while. I traveled down many paths before I started the journey to finding my way. I say journey because that is what it is, it is a journey because who is to say you ever really find your way. So we all are wondering, some lost, some just going along their way on their journey.

My journey has not been the easiest in anything I've done in my life. My personal self esteem, my relationships, my marriage, being a young mom, graduating college, working, etc. You name it and I have not had an easy journey with it. I think a big reason would be my depression. *Gasp* "Oh my goodness, you wrote depression!"

Yes I did! I admit I have depression, it is not a secret nor should it be. I have had my struggles and I'm sure many other people do also. It is a dark place, but every time I work my way through it, "out of the rabbit hole" I feel a little more pride in myself. When I pull through it and when I can go a day without constant negative thoughts, that's when I show my depression who is boss!

This is all a big reason why I relate with Alice in Wonderland so well. I am all the characters you see in the movie. On a daily basis I am sweet, little Alice who is filled only with good intensions but lost along the way. On the other hand I am the evil queen who is full of rage and anger who just wants everyone out of her way. I also can be the caterpillar who is calm, cool and collected. Yet I have a big part of the Mad Hatter in me, I am wild, crazy and even kooky. Wonderland really is my life, it is inside my head and everyone is just having one big tea party until we see who the winner of the day is!

Now I know what you are thinking, Oh my goodness are you absolutely mad?? Some may say I am but at least I am one to admit it! This is one of the reasons I am writing this blog. It isn't because I believe people will read it and fall in love with me. It is for my own personal reasons that I need to get my story out and my feelings out, put them into the world for my healing and understand to begin.

So grab a glass all you characters, it’s tea time!

My Wonderful Weekend

"Have I gone mad?"

"Yes, but let me tell you something the best people usually are!" 

This weekend almost made me go completely mad! It was a jam packed weekend for me. It started with my son's first birthday! Let me tell you that was not a tea party. It was filled with stress, tears and even more chaos! Luckily he was celebrated wonderfully and the chaos didn't start until after bedtime. 

Then to follow that, the day after was my husband's birthday! Talk about a lot to do in a little time. 

The weekend ended bittersweet. I was glad it was over and the stress was done, but sad another year of birthdays had passed by. Especially my son's first. That only happens once. You're only a newborn for a whole year, and then in the blink of an eye you're a toddler. 

It's funny how quickly life moves. You forget to enjoy today because you're busy worrying about yesterday and planning tomorrow. 

Luckily I try to enjoy every second I have with my boy. It just seems to be going by all too quickly and I'm not ready for him to start growing up. 

It's a beautiful thing to have a baby, he is who helped me find my way. In my eyes, he is just full of magic and every bit of happiness in the world. This little boy who made me a mom, also made me become much more. He is how I found my way home, when all I felt was lost. 

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.” -J.M. Barrie 

My Own Wonderland

Welcome to wonderland, well at least my own wonderland.

Grab a cup of tea and find a seat. Don't be shy, we are all mad here!

 

I have wanted to start a blog for a while now. I just didn't think I was interesting enough to listen to. So I decided I might as well just start one for myself. If others decide to stop by and read a line or two that would be great. But life is just one big tea party I might as well be the first one to grab a glass and start gabbing.

I'm sure you're wondering about the title, interesting huh? Well my life really is wonderland. It is full of new adventures every day, there is love, chaos and tears. I have been lost but I now have found my way back home, but of course wonderland will always follow me around. 

I am a wife, mom, DIY fanatic, part time worker and anything else I am needed to be. I wear many hats my friend and I try to do it all while enjoying life to the fullest. I tend to think of life as if my tea cup is half full, sometimes running over!

So this is going to be quite the new adventure for me, wish me luck! Make sure to come back often and check for new words to appear. You never know, you might find your way too.

 

"Not all those who wonder are lost" -J.R.R. Tolkien