Healing

"You cannot fully love others until you love yourself"

I have now finally taken this quote to heart and decided to begin my journey to healing. I am sure I will never be fully healed of all the heart ache that I have been through in my life but I think today is a good day to start healing. Honestly I can say I have been hurt by everyone in my life, except my son. Everyone in my life has done something to betray my trust, and hurt me either emotionally or physically. I wish this wasn't true but it is, and some more than others. The day I was born is when it all began. You could say my life has been a soap opera from birth.

It started with the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally, my mother. From day one I have not had a normal "Betty Crocker" Mom. She has done things to be that people wouldn't do or say to their worst enemy. I have had to learn over time how to deal with her and even more importantly, accept who she is as a "mom".

I was raised by a single parent, my dad. Right there many people are surprised when I say this because normally it is the opposite when a single parent raises a child. So this shows you how from the age of 1 1/2 years old my life was already different than most. My mom looked me in the eyes as a 1.5 year old baby and left. I wish I could tell you the age I was when she saw me again but honestly I am not quite sure. She gave full custody to my dad and bounced around from state to state. She had planned to visit me but often it resulted in a phone call with an excuse as to why she wouldn't be there. All I ever wanted was my mom. As a little girl I dreamed of what it would be like to have my mom take me shopping or give me advice. I watched other girls with their moms and felt so envious of what they had. So when I became 14 and my mom reached out to me, I couldn't help but jump at the chance to live with her. This was the beginning of me finding out who she really was. All the lies and hurt made my wounds reopen and become deep. I found out things about her I truthfully could not believe and while I tried so hard for a relationship with her, my relationship with my father faded.  She managed to pull me away from him and fill me with lies.

Finally I met my husband who started to point out to me that things were not right, and started to push me to talk to my dad. Without knowing it, my husband saved me. I started to heal my relationship with my dad, which started with a simple but meaningful "I'm sorry". This all has taken a long time to come to terms with, to accept that it’s not me who was the problem but rather that it was her.

 The journey to healing has to start somewhere, so I figured I would start at the beginning and put it out there. There is much more to my story but here is one chapter.