I am wonderfully made! [Flab to Fit]

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

For anyone out there who is religious, you know this verse has been said many times by many people. This verse hits me close to home because I seem to forget this. I forget that I am wonderfully made, that I am a good person. I have always had low self esteem and my weight has been the number one reason affecting it. Growing up I was always told I would be so pretty if I just lost 10lbs. So this has always stuck in my head that I truly am not beautiful or wonderful until I lose the weight.

Well if only it was that easy because for me, weight loss has always been and uphill battle. I have been skinny, I have been overweight. Then when you add a pregnancy on top of my already difficult body you get where I am at now, not at all happy with my weight. I cant complain too much because honestly I do have a good figure, I am 5'9 with an hourglass frame so I do hold my weight well but that doesn't mean you don't notice all my extra weight.

I have been up and down and in-between for most of my life and I never seem to be able to stay at a weight for long. I am really hoping this will change because it's not just me anymore to think of. I have to think of my son and my husband and how my weight will affect them. They are the reason I want to lose the weight, but I am the reason I need to lose the weight. I want to feel better about myself. I hate feeling like the before picture in a weight loss program, I want to become the after and feel proud of myself. I want to show my son that we can accomplish goals, no matter how big or difficult they are.

The amount of weight I want to lose is quite a lot, but I need to be honest. I want to lose about 90lbs, this is not going to be an overnight loss I am aware of that. It could take a year, it could take two but the thing is I will do it. How I will do it is the hard part. I have little motivation to go workout, but as soon as I start I am happy to keep moving until my time is up. I eat very healthy, clean foods even as much organic as possible. Unfortunately I am blessed with a sweet tooth the size of Texas! So while I love eating healthy, most days I eat too much or I add a little dessert in there. This is what I mean by difficultly losing the weight and keeping it off.

I need to keep myself motivated and I know I will be able to do it. For anyone who actually reads this, if you are on a similar journey or are now at the maintenance part after your weight loss I would love to hear about it. I think we all should build each other up and help others along the way. This is just another stepping stone along my way to healing. Healing my body and removing the weight. For I am wonderfully made, I just seem to forget that sometimes, It seems I just need to remind my body!

Healing

"You cannot fully love others until you love yourself"

I have now finally taken this quote to heart and decided to begin my journey to healing. I am sure I will never be fully healed of all the heart ache that I have been through in my life but I think today is a good day to start healing. Honestly I can say I have been hurt by everyone in my life, except my son. Everyone in my life has done something to betray my trust, and hurt me either emotionally or physically. I wish this wasn't true but it is, and some more than others. The day I was born is when it all began. You could say my life has been a soap opera from birth.

It started with the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally, my mother. From day one I have not had a normal "Betty Crocker" Mom. She has done things to be that people wouldn't do or say to their worst enemy. I have had to learn over time how to deal with her and even more importantly, accept who she is as a "mom".

I was raised by a single parent, my dad. Right there many people are surprised when I say this because normally it is the opposite when a single parent raises a child. So this shows you how from the age of 1 1/2 years old my life was already different than most. My mom looked me in the eyes as a 1.5 year old baby and left. I wish I could tell you the age I was when she saw me again but honestly I am not quite sure. She gave full custody to my dad and bounced around from state to state. She had planned to visit me but often it resulted in a phone call with an excuse as to why she wouldn't be there. All I ever wanted was my mom. As a little girl I dreamed of what it would be like to have my mom take me shopping or give me advice. I watched other girls with their moms and felt so envious of what they had. So when I became 14 and my mom reached out to me, I couldn't help but jump at the chance to live with her. This was the beginning of me finding out who she really was. All the lies and hurt made my wounds reopen and become deep. I found out things about her I truthfully could not believe and while I tried so hard for a relationship with her, my relationship with my father faded.  She managed to pull me away from him and fill me with lies.

Finally I met my husband who started to point out to me that things were not right, and started to push me to talk to my dad. Without knowing it, my husband saved me. I started to heal my relationship with my dad, which started with a simple but meaningful "I'm sorry". This all has taken a long time to come to terms with, to accept that it’s not me who was the problem but rather that it was her.

 The journey to healing has to start somewhere, so I figured I would start at the beginning and put it out there. There is much more to my story but here is one chapter.